Many readers may be reading this thinking, “Not me, I always think before I leap,” but do you really? This doesn’t even have to relate directly to relationships; business decisions, children, and other life altering decisions can be lumped into this article as well. But, for the sake of keeping current, we’re going to stick with marriage.

According to the Census Bureau “the proportion of Americans who are currently married has been diminishing for decades and is lower than it has been in at least half a century.” But, with the current news of Kim Kardashians divorce, it makes many wonder if they should take a step back before taking the big step forward. So, in order to keep from making decisions as big as marriage without considerations beforehand, one can follow these simple suggestions in order to reach a conclusion satisfying for all involved.

1. Many experts advise that pre-marital counseling be attended in order to be sure that this is the right choice for you as a person and for your relationship. According to Dr. Linda Mintle who is a writer for BeliefNet.com “One of the things we know is, there’s a very predictable path to divorce. My big contention is, people don’t come for premarital counseling, so when they get into trouble, they don’t know what to do,” she said in an interview with Ohio newspaper CantonRep. Not only does pre-marital counseling help, it may also help lower divorce rates which is for first time married couples 41% and continues to rise as a person goes into their second and third marriage, according Marriage 101 .

2. You should always discuss beforehand what each of you want before making such a big decision. In an article written in Psychology Today Drs. Paul and Elizabeth Schmitz suggest seven questions and discussions that should be had before tying the knot. Some questions are “Why do you love me” and  “If our house was on fire what would be the first thing you would save?”. Having an open dialogue about your wants, needs, hopes and desires before walking down the aisle allows for less confusion later.    This goes for any major change of lifestyle in your life. You wouldn’t purchase a house without going through the necessary paperwork would you?

Today we rush into life’s milestones and adventures without considering the consequences or the possible outcomes of each choice. Take the time to slow down, think before you act, and analyze if this is the right decision for you right now. If so , are you ready for the responsibilities. Communication is one of the keys to a successful relationship, so make sure you and your significant other are on the same page.

“Women must first come to grips with who they are as an individual.” says Dr. Sharon Ames- Dennard, a clinical psychologist in Tallahassee, Fla. Who operates the Aakhet Center for Human Development.

It means taking a look at our attitude towards life, friends, home environment, and our relationships with family. There are many good men out there and we as women have to first be stable in our own life. The last thing you want to do is bring stress to your significant other and the relationship. I encourage you to really take some time to yourself and work on making the inside as beautiful as the outside.

Friendships:Are you dealing with toxic friends? Many people may have toxic friendships and not even be aware of it. If the people you hang around are not supporting you then chances are they will not be supportive of you in your relationships. According to WebMD.com,friendships permeate our lives, having an impact on our careers, marriages, families, children, health, and even our retirement. Start by analyzing your relationships with close friends. If you’re surrounded by friends that are not positive in your life, then you should slowly start to branch away from them. You should never feel bad about getting rid of negative friends, in the end you will only come out a better person. Dr. Irene S. Levine, a clinical psychologist, lists Five Ways to Unload A Toxic Friend. 

Here are the five tips:

As a child I wished for many things any other child raised in a two-parent household would want, such as a Barbie car, a sibling, a cat, but never once did I ask for a dad. Honestly, being raised by a beautiful single mother has been one of the most beneficial experiences I have had. My mom showed me what a true independent woman was. Yes, it would have been so much easier living with two incomes, but I don’t think it would have necessarily been better. Statistics may claim girls who live with absentee fathers are more likely to be promiscuous and make bad decisions about men, yet, if anything, my experience has made me have higher standards and never seek validation from guys. I can spot a broke thug, creeper or manipulator a mile away because I know what a worthy man looks like.

Meanwhile some women are afraid to be alone primarily because of financial difficulties. On the other hand, ask yourself this question, “Is my eternal happiness and peace of mind more important than just a quick buck?”  Another reason why women lower their standards is because they want  their significant other to remain faithful, especially if infidelity existed in previous relationships.

But according, to What Would You Ask, low self-esteem is the main reason why women lower their standards to be with a man. Some women believe time is running out when it comes to Mr. Right, so why not just pick a random individual. Settling takes place even if she knows the individual is not suitable under other circumstances. If you have low self-esteem, then nine times out of ten, you will be attracted to someone who doesn’t recognize the beautiful jewel that you are. This behavior stagnates children because they are observing someone treating their mother like garbage. Nonetheless, if your heart remains tainted, then you will be still be attracted to polluted men with no substance or values. Singer Mary J. Blige talks about the consequences of having low self-esteem in her 1994 hit song, “Be Happy,” “How can I love somebody else if I can’t love myself know when it’s time to let go?”

Life is too short and precious to remain gloomy and dismal because God only wants the best for his children. A young man named Jahmari Carson mentioned the importance of letting go in order to move forward when he said, “Letting go doesn’t mean giving up but rather accepting that there are some things that cannot be done.”

I believe everyone on this earth was meant to have a soul mate but under God’s teachings. Yes, we want the companionship from the opposite sex but we shouldn’t rush into it because LOVE is patient and kind. We, as ladies, have to keep the faith and let love find us because it will fall under our nose when we least expect it. If God doesn’t answer your prayers about love right away, let this quote from college student, Samuel Michel, marinate in your head, “If God answers your prayers, he is increasing your faith, but if he doesn’t he is training your patience.”

This quote is deep but true. As you wait patiently, work on your inner self before you decide to be fully committed in a relationship. I know this sounds easier said than done but you have to put your own happiness first, before any other individual. This message applies to all women, young, old, single, or married because at the end of the day we have to look at ourselves in the mirror.

Ladies we can adjust our standards because there is no such thing as PERFECT MATE but we should NEVER  sacrifice our self-worth and integrity in order to be wanted by the opposite sex.

Here you are single again and ready to re-enter the big scary world of dating, and like most everyone, you bring along “baggage”. We all have it; some more than others, however, now is the time to analyze the necessity of that baggage in your new life. No one is exempt. You may have childhood angst over paternal divorce, conflicts with friends and family, or remorse over missteps and lost opportunities. Everyone has a history and an emotional response to it. What matters, when it comes to being a healthy, thriving human being, is whether or not you have deliberately unpacked your baggage.

As you delve into this new world, think about your life and the events that put you back into the dating world. Maybe it was divorce, a death or the end of a relationship, all very traumatic events in our lives, but if you are ready to move on with your life, you must put aside the unnecessary “baggage”. Deal with your grief from whatever situation and prepare your mind and heart to accept love and happiness again.

Keep in mind that although someone might say to you “tell me what happened”, guess what? They really do not want to know your life history, simple and to the point is enough information. People are generally nice regardless of what you say and yes, it can keep the conversation flowing, but keep in mind the more you say about the “baggage”, you are not creating any sympathy, but merely bringing feelings back to the surface. If the wounds have not completely healed, take steps to resolve the issues that cripple you emotionally and move into a happy and emotionally well-balanced life. This can be approached in various degrees.

While we all have our own way of dealing with our emotional baggage, sometimes it is more than one can bear on their own. Seek out the counsel of your family, clergy or a counselor to help you confront and deal with the issues that are holding you back. By all means to do not sink into seclusion, come out of the darkness, join a health club, take a yoga class and never forget the power of prayer. Expose the issues; sometimes in order to get beyond your past, you sometimes need to get into your past, what went wrong, why did it happen, explore what you are feeling, is it anger, resentment or just simply a broken heart?

We do not want to hear about your ex, how badly they treated you, ran up your phone bill, and cleared out your bank account or the things that were wrong with them. Know what this tells someone? You are not over it, you are still angry and hurt and certainly “not emotionally available”. You need to face these issues head on and let go of them before considering new beginnings. Deal with your emotions, feelings, and move forward thus unpacking the excess baggage.

Realize and accept your situation and its circumstances, when it is over, take the time to grieve and deal with your feelings and then set them aside, clear your mind and your heart of all obstructions and embark on your new journey with a clean slate. In conversations with someone new, tell them about yourself, what you like to do, what are your passions, your goals in life, your job, your children, your pets or anything that is a positive, and forget about the negative.

Let me tell you this, you let that negativity creep back in and you are going to be sitting home alone watching sappy movies and crying over lost love when you could be enjoying the world that is there to be explored. So, unpack your bags and put the unnecessary items away! Store the baggage, be it emotional, physical or human, you no longer have any need for it. Seek the new horizon ahead of you, the happiness that awaits you and the satisfaction of knowing that what you have to offer another person is the greatest of all gifts, but let that gift be of you, your present and your future, the past done, time to begin anew.

Remember…..always travel light.

Article was written by Lief Croonquist

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